No Fly Zone

Just got back from a trip, and wanted to share my top five pet peeves for air travel while they're fresh in my mind. You don't want to cross me when I travel. I can be a mean bastard in the aisles.

1) Recliners: Just like being involved in some type of sick, twisted game of human dominoes, it seems that wherever I'm seated, inevitably, one of the jack asses in front of me feels the need to recline their seat. Typically, this starts a chain reaction that always ends at my seat. I refuse to perpetuate the reclining phenomenon... but I will kick the shit out of the back of the seat in front of me to tweak the passenger eating into my space. On this trip, I had a family of three filling the row before me, all of whom felt the need to recline. Their seven-year-old daughter must have been so uncomfortable in that seat before getting some relief. Lucky for her, mom drew the seat in front of me. Bitch.

2) Stampeders: Whether getting on or off the plane, someone's always in a bigger hurry than everyone else, and it never fails that they feel the need to get a bum rush on. You'd expect, and arguably sign-up for this if you travel Southworst, but not on a major carrier, with a reserved seat. Worse than this happening in the boarding process, is when it occurs during de-planing. I've actually had passengers several rows behind me attempt to bust-ass up the aisle to get off before everyone else. This, of course, entices me to move slow as molasses in getting off the plane, just to subjugate the offending party.

3) Persistent, Unsolicited Conversation Starters: Everyone knows what I'm talking about here. And if you don't, rent a copy of Planes, Trains & Automobiles with Steve Martin and John Candy. If Del Griffith's not reclining in the seat in front of me, he's doing his best to start a conversation despite my most caustic body language. You would think donning a pair of headphones would be enough of a conversation stopper, but this technique is rarely effective. It typically takes faining sleep to ostricize a Chatty Cathy on most plane rides.

4) Encroachers: The luck of the draw typically comes into play here, but if you draw a middle seat on a three-across plane, you're screwed. I'm a big guy, but I do my best to tuck it all in, and not spill over into anyone else's seat. I firmly belief everyone has a right to at least one arm rest, especially the poor soul stuck in the dreaded middle seat. Unfortunately, not many others share this philosophy. I spent an hour yesterday with my arms folded across my chest because the fuck knobs on either side of me couldn't part with one of their two arm rests. Between this, and the recliner in front of me, it's amazing I didn't end up in the custody of an air marshall. I'm coming armed with a belly full of beans on my next flight, just so I can go on the offensive.

5) Odoriffics: Stanky, sweaty, greasy passengers. Don't want 'em anywhere near me. And especially don't want to be stuck in a cabin with recirculating air for 90 minutes of flight time plus on-the-ground time (often without AC during the summer flying season). 'Nuff said.

If you didn't already think I was a grumpy 'ole bastard, you can now be sure of it.